My mum did take me out yesterday. We went for a nice long walk in the woods near where we live and there were lots of good smells, some new dog poo, a dead mouse, a squashed slug and some fox vomit. It was great. I like it when I can run around without my lead on. Mum seemed very far away and didn't even tell me off when I ate some duck poo. I think she has a lot on her mind.
Mum lives with a guy called Hugh Bastard. At least I think that's his name. That's what mum calls him alot. But sometimes she calls him Sweet Hart or Patrick. I don't think he's my dad, but then again she does call me Little Bastard sometimes, so perhaps he is. I call him Uncle Hugh.
I like Uncle Hugh but he's a bit naughty because he doesn't come when mum calls him and he doesn't do as he's told. When mum's away we have a great time. He never tells me off, he lets me play with his socks, which smell great, he gives me 'fingers of fun' (which is when he dips his fingers in his beer and lets me lick them) and occasionally I get one of his Haribo jellies.
I don't think that mum and Uncle Hugh are married but they've been together a long time. Longer than I've been alive, so that's a REALLY long time. I'm not sure about their past but I think Uncle Hugh has someone called Ex Wife and there's also someone called Babstheslag, who mum tends to bring into the conversation from time to time when she's drunk. That usually ends up in lots of shouting and screaming. When that happens I go and sit in my bed under the table in the kitchen where it's quiet.
I think Uncle Hugh had puppies with Ex Wife, he certainly didn't have any with my mum. These puppies grew up and now have puppies of their own. I don't like human puppies, they make me want to growl. They're noisy and rude and don't do as they're told. In the UK human puppies eat things called chicken nuggets and turkey twizzlers and stuff like that. Mum says they eat crap in the UK but I like crap.
Mum used to have another dog before me. His name was Sam and I get a bit jealous when she talks about him. Sometimes when she talks about him her eyes get all wet. It hurts me when I've been a tiny bit naughty and she says "You're not like Sam. Sam would do anything I asked him to do". Well he would, wouldn't he? He was a labrador. Everyone knows that labradors are thick.
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