Me and Uncle Hugh went out for lunch today. It was great. Us dogs can go in the restaurants in France. I sat under the table and got my own bowl of water, lots of bread, a bit of cheese tart, some baby cow, a piece of pastry and a big hunk of cheese. Uncle Hugh drank lots of wine and spoke lots of gobbledygook with the nice man who was bringing the food. Then Uncle Hugh walked me home, but it took a long time because Uncle Hugh wasn’t walking straight, and he got a bit lost. Then when we finally got home Uncle Hugh fell asleep on the sofa. Uncle Hugh’s still asleep on the sofa and it’s dark, and I need a pee, and the ‘phone’s ringing and I bet it’s mum and she’ll not be happy because Uncle Hugh’s supposed to be looking after me. But I don’t mind. I’m a big boy. I can look after myself. Anyway, I fancied a night surfing the net.
It’s now 11.30 pm and Uncle Hugh is still asleep and snoring very loudly and I REALLY need a pee and mum’s finally left a message on the answer machine.
“You’re asleep aren’t you? Hugh Bastard. I bet you’ve been out drinking and eating all fooking day. If that little lad is crossing his legs ‘cause he’s dying for a pee there’ll be hell to pay. AND I MEAN HELL. Honestly, all I ask is that you act like a responsible adult from time to time…..”
I don’t mind really. It’s not that uncomfortable when I need a pee, us dogs are different from you humans. Once I held it for 36 hours because it was raining all the time. I don’t like rain - you get wet when it rains. I don't like wet. Mum tries to make me go out when it's raining, but I hide under the table and pretend that I'm scared and mum says "ah bless! He's frightened. Don't worry little lamb, I won't make you go out there if you don't want to". Mum's so gullible sometimes.
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