Bread and boating - in that order

Thank you everyone who wished me all the best for the New Year. I hope you’re all feeling well. Mum and Uncle Hugh looked terrible yesterday. I think they ended up drinking too much of that grape juice on New Year’s Eve. I kept out of their way. They were all giddy and really shouldn’t have been in charge of a dog. At one stage Uncle Hugh took me outside for a pee, he had one himself then went back inside and locked the door – totally forgot about me. That resulted in a ‘mini row’ (mini rows only last five minutes) when mum shouted and said he was an irresponsible father. Honestly, bad parents or what?

Anyway, I’m digressing already. Well it’s now 2009 and when I looked outside yesterday it all seemed the same to me. It’s no different this morning either. The sky’s still where it is and when the sun does finally emerge, I reckon that’ll still be shining too. So nothing’s changed much has it?

Actually, I’m knackered this morning and it’s all mum’s fault. Mum & Uncle Hugh went to bed quite late, which isn’t like them. They’re normally snoozing by ten, but they were watching a BBC programme about three grumpy men in a boat – more about that later (as I said before – thread of suspense and all that – keeps ‘em reading). Then mum decided that we needed more bread (despite the fact that there are eight frozen loaves squished uncomfortably in the tiny freezer compartment above the fridge). She decided we needed more bread because she wanted to try out the ‘Delay Start Programme’ of her breadmaking machine*.

“Won’t it be lovely to wake up in the morning to the smell of fresh bread?” Oh yes mum, how utterly divine.

At 4.00am sharp, I’m woken by the bloody thing mixing then kneading the dough. IT IS SO NOISY. It’s worse than the bloody dishwasher (ok perhaps not, but I’m used to the dishwasher). After about half an hour it stopped, and I’m thinking “Thank bloody God Rex for that.” However, no sooner had I started to drop off again when it suddenly starts up again. And I’m thinking “How is a dog supposed to get some sleep in this house?” When I finally DO get back to sleep, an hour later I’m woken by mum and Uncle Hugh - all bright and breezy and expecting me to be waggy-tailed and sparkly-eyed. “What do you think’s up with him this morning? He doesn’t seem too pleased to see us,” mum asked Uncle Hugh. Well what a surprise, mum!

Just going back to the boating thing that mum and Uncle Hugh watched on TV last night - it was about some grumpy men who try to get from one place in the UK to another place in the UK – by sea. Well it made me think about when we drove to Barcelona last summer where a friend of Uncle Hugh had invited him to spend a couple of days on his boat that he had moored there.

Mum HATES the sea and she HATES boats. Since she was severely traumatised by this film called “Jaws” when she was a young girl she’s always had a fear of both. She’ll paddle up to her ankles, and she’s quite happy going on river boats - but that’s it. So I’ve absolutely no idea why she agreed to spend a couple of days on a boat, on the sea. Looking back, I think she did it to please Uncle Hugh.

It turned out to be not too bad because the boat was actually moored in a calm marina. However, mum took one look at it then went and booked a hotel room. She said there was no way she was sleeping in something that rocked, whose living quarters were smaller than the inside of her car and whose toilet had walls that were paper thin and blue smelly stuff to flush everything that everyone on board had heard her deposit. Mum’s got a few issues when it comes to toilets.

She was quite happy being on the boat whilst it was moored and after a couple of glasses of fizzy stuff, she agreed to one trip out of the marina onto the real sea. However, it resulted in mum going all wild-eyed, white and rigid and emitting this strange, high-pitched whine. When they moored back up Uncle Hugh and his friend, Malcolm, had to prise her fingers off the deck rail in order to get her off the boat. That was the last trip for mum.

Me? I had a great time. I consider myself to be a rather seasoned seadog now. Uncle Hugh and I had lots of trips – mum seemed quite happy to be left in the marina drinking fizzy stuff. It won’t happen again though – the Credit Munch took that particular boat away and I don’t think Uncle Hugh has anymore boating pals.

However, I did have a skip around the Internet and found a boating clip to amuse you. I don’t normally laugh at folk falling and stuff like that ‘cause it’s not nice, but it is funny and I don’t think any animals or humans were seriously injured in the making of it. You've probably seen it before but if you've got time on your hands - have a peek.

* for those who may be new to this blog – mum got a breadmaking machine for Christmas.