Friday, November 21, 2008

Are all mums the same?

Mum had an AFD yesterday. For those who don’t know, that’s an Alcohol Free Day. Mum tries to have at least one a week, and sometimes she has more. Legend has it that she once had seven of them in a row. SEVEN! It happened long ago before I was born when she was in hospital having a huge stone removed from her kidney (goodness only knows how it got there – very careless of her if you ask me). Mum worries that she is drinking more units than ladies should drink each week. Mum says she stops counting after the first two of an evening. I don’t really know what a unit is. Perhaps it’s a bottle - if so, I reckon she drinks between four and six units a week. That doesn’t sound like too much to me. I don’t know what she’s worried about.

I don’t know why she has these AFDs, she always ends up really miserable and grumpy. She had three last week and she was bloody murder to live with. Uncle Hugh reverted to watching endless re-runs of Top Gear on that TV channel called Dave, and I pretended that I was asleep.

Mum also goes through stages where she does these exercise DVD’s and gets all red faced and sweaty and it makes me want to laugh because she’s not the most lissom of ladies. She’s not very good at synchronising her limbs either. Then she starts asking Uncle Hugh if her bum looks big. At these times she also starts eating stuff like apples, carrots and celery, and she shouts at Uncle Hugh if he buys nice food like cheese or chocolate. “If you buy that stuff you know I’ll eat it, Hugh Bastard!” What else can you do with cheese and chocolate? Stare at it? I don’t get it. I don’t get her sometimes.

Then she’ll stare in the mirror and analyse every single pore and she’ll say, as if she’s surprised, “I’ve got wrinkles,” and I’m thinking “Why on earth is she stating the obvious? I’ve got ears and a little tail but I don’t have to stare in a mirror for five minutes to reach that conclusion.” Then Uncle Hugh will ask her if she’s got PMS and whenever he asks that it ends nastily – very nastily! Then Uncle Hugh will go and buy her some flowers and when he gives them to her she'll say "Ok, so tell me what you're feeling guilty about?" Poor Uncle Hugh. He can't do anything right. Normally at that point he simply sighs in a resigned fashion and goes to play with his flying car, whilst I keep pretending that I'm asleep.

Are all mums the same? I ask because I only know the one. I don’t really know any others.


misty and poppy bichon said...

well, henry - our mum French Fancy doesn't drink very much. She says that wine makes her nose swell and that only champagne goes down well. She buys lots of bottles of the cheapest one she can find and that seems to slip down just fine. But she hasn't had any for two months now because she is trying to be (get if you ask me, not be) healthy.

she's also eating carrot sticks which, actually, we quite like but it's not as good as biscuits. She threw out all the biscuits the other day and we kept trying to knock the rubbish bin over to get at them and then she shouted at us and we pretended to be asleep. We're good at that as well.

Henry the Dog said...

MY GOODNESS, that's more AFDs than I can count up to. How are you two coping? Mum moans on about getting healthy too. That's why she's trying to do more of these AFDs. I don't mind carrot either, but I make a mess when I eat them. I don't blame you trying to get the biscuits - Uncle Hugh sometimes gives me biscuits but don't tell mum!

detroit dog said...

Quasar said he wants to leave you a comment:

Mom has most days AFD, however, Mom & Dad go on wine binges for days at a time, and say that they are trying to find the cheapest wine that still tastes good. eep. After finding hidden diaries of the dog that lived here before me (Bastet?), I've concluded that Mom doesn't worry about wrinkles because she inherited "saggy jowls" instead, and that Dad used to blame everything on PMS, and now that Mom is too old for that he is just realising that maybe she really is angry for good reason, and that drinks were given cute names so that you could try them all (something about being like a candy store?). Mom does feel lucky to be a skinny vegetarian, but still worries about her insides, especially after nights like the pizza, wine, and ice cream cake last Saturday night for Dad's birthday! She says there is always reason to celebrate something.

Lee said...

My mum's 75 and looks on her wrinkles as badges of office.

Parisgirl said...

Hmmm Henry, I'd stop siding with Uncle Hugh if I were you.

Henry the Dog said...

Detroit dog - I think mum's not too far away from that time in life when PMS won't be an issue and with this falling pound business mum's counting her pennies too. Perhaps that's why there are more AFDs

Lee - mums are lovely, period.

Parisgirl - us blokes have to stick together:)

Dumdad said...

It's a good idea to take one or two AFDs a week. But, like anything else, everything in moderation including AFDs!

W C Fields, a famous drinker, said, "I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast."

That's self-discipline!

Word veri: hic

Henry the Dog said...

Dumdad - I agree 100% - but I think even mum would baulk at gin that early in the morning, however she has been known to have a glass of champers or two. Hope you enjoyed your Beaujolais