Thursday, November 27, 2008

I'm back!

Well I’m back. Mum picked me up this morning and I was dead excited and then I vomited all over the back seat. I blame the dodgy hygiene practices of some of the French bitches. I’m really particular about my hygiene and I’m always cleaning myself but some of the bitches I’ve been hanging out with these past few days, well, I won’t go there. Suffice it to say they aren’t very particular.

You humans get all fussed about vomit don’t you? I mean us dogs are really laid back about it. It’s like – “Oh well, breakfast all over again….” Sorry. Too much info, I know. Mum always stops me from ….you know…. But I don’t see the point – if she’d let me she wouldn’t have to go to all that trouble of cleaning it up would she? Ok, I’ll drop the subject.

Two things – number one – I made some new friends and I learned some of that French stuff and – number two – mum is even more sick of the UK than she was before.

I’ll start with mum’s news ‘cause it’s a bit boring so we can end on a good note with mine. Apparently, in the UK, this Mr Brown is cutting VAT to try and help the Credit Munch. I don’t know what VAT is but apparently it means that you can go out and buy a brand new ‘Top of the range’ BMW and it’ll cost about £1000 less than it would have done a week ago. I guess that’s good if you were thinking about buying a brand new ‘Top of the range’ BMW, but if you weren’t then I suppose it makes bugger all difference. Mum reckons that if she lived in the UK she’d be about £2.50 per week better off - in about two years time when the retailers and everyone else have sorted out all the admin to do with this VAT thing and passed on the cuts to the consumers, by which time she says it will have gone back up by 3% anyway. It sounds like a big puzzle to me. Mum said to Uncle Hugh “…why didn’t they simply cut fooking taxes? When they do things like cut VAT it’s obvious that those in charge have no idea how a fooking business is run….” She was a bit mad. Good, everything’s back to normal.

Now my news. Well, I met three bitches – Zoë & Filo - who were both French, and Holly who was English. Holly was new to this kennelling business. She’s what we call an infrequent boarder. I’m a frequent boarder. I’m often in the kennels. Holly was new to it all – you could tell before she even said - she had name-tags on everything. How passé! And her bed and her toys were all newly laundered. Well, I could have laughed my paws off. Bless her. She looked very lost when she arrived so I took her under my wing, so to speak, and gave her the benefit of my wisdom and experience.

Zoë and Filo were from the same house. They had the same owner. They were both terrier types, like me, and we all had a good laugh playing in the field. Even Holly soon relaxed into it. Apart from their dodgy hygiene practices, Zoë & Filo were great. At least that’s what I thought. At the time I thought they were very kind, they even taught me some French. Phuh! Kind! NOT. This morning when I got back and started speaking to Claude and demonstrating my new found French I soon discovered that I’d been taken for a mug. No wonder they laughed delightedly every time I repeated what they were teaching me. There’s me thinking that I’m saying – “Hello, my name is Henry” and “Goodbye, I hope you have a good day,” and “Do you want to play with my toy?” and “I’m English.” No, instead Claude says I’ve been saying “Hello, my name is Henry and I’m an a***hole”, and “Goodbye, I hope your mother rots in hell.” And “Sniff my a*** dickhead” and “I’m a moron.” I WAS MORTIFIED. There's a problem - what Zoë and Filo taught me, I went on to teach Holly. I keep wondering what reaction she’s gonna get from the French dogs around her when she repeats what I’ve taught her. Thank goodness she’s a Rottweiller. I guess they’ll simply pretend they didn’t hear her correctly. You don’t argue with a Rotty do you?

It’s good to be back. I’m looking forward to reading all those blogs that I’ve missed whilst I’ve been away. I’m hoping that the kennels will be online in February then I can keep posting whilst I’m away.


Dumdad said...

Welcome back Henry, we missed you!

French Fancy said...

Henry, you're back and you've not changed a bit - good. Mr French Fancy is currently in the UK and he is hating it as much as your mum did.

What about you with the ladies then? Did you have your doggy heart broken?

parisgirl said...

Oh Henry I feel for you. My French husband thought it hilarious to teach me all sorts of rude stuff. This resulted in us visiting Marks and Spencer in Paris (now sadly departed) to buy some underpants for the Frenchman and me asking for "ball-huggers". This story is repeated every time he and his friends get together and never fails to cause uncontrollable mirth.

Henry the Dog said...

Dumdad - Just about to read your blog, missed yours too.

French Fancy - mum says it was very miserable and the traffic was awful. Doggy heart broken? Not after I found out what they'd taught me I didn't. I've a bone to pick with those two when I see them again - I reckon I've got a lot of reading to do. Your blog looks as though it's been busy - I've been skipping round before settling down to some serious reading.

Parisgirl - I can tell you my mum will pee her pants reading about that. Between you, me and the gatepost I've got a feeling that mum's had the same experiences. Mum and Uncle Hugh have some lovely but 'malicieux' french friends and mum can be VERY naive:)

meili_lo said...

hi henry...welcome back!!! my blogs posts misses all your comments... i hope it's ok to request that you visit my past posts and not just the current one =) it's only a request from someone who's looking forward to reading ur opinion :-)

nice to have u again.. thanks so much for visiting my page.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Hello Henry, I've come to your blog via Ms Fancy, are you keen her bichon? Your kennel experience made me larf

meryl's musings said...

Hi Henry -

My landlord was laughing so hard, I had to come find out what all the noise was about. If you want me to teach Zoe and Filo a lesson, just let me know -- I'll lick them silly.

I'm visiting an Aussie right now in the southern part of the US -- it was a way long ride in the car. My nose got really dry from hanging it out the window.

There's this great smell in this house, something about a turkey -- I just hope I can get some.

:) KC

Henry the Dog said...

meili-lo - I've now gone back and left comments on all your posts:)

Lulu- hello there, or should I say 'onshontay'? Yes, FF's bichons are dead cute babes - love 'em. Am just going to have a peek at your blog;)

Hi KC, I love going in mum's car but when she goes to Switzerland that can be a tad boring - 9 hours, but probably not as long as some of the drives you do in the US. I hear that is one hellova big country. Don't mention Turkey, it's my aboslute favourite, get's my mouth watering just thinking about it. Happy belated thanksgiving!

Stubby said...

Hey Henry-
Good to have you back. I am going on holiday Saturday, but instead of staying at a kennel, I am staying with 2 poodle bitches. Thankfully, they only speak English, so I won't have any language issues, but this is the first time I'm staying with them, so they better be good to me.

Lucky for me, mom doesn't see me vomit and I, like you,destroy all the evidence. You are so right - it is like eating your meal all over again even if it is in a different form. I admit that I love my vomit. There I said it. Mom gets grossed out, but hey, it's my stomach, not hers.

We are celebrating Thanksgiving today, so I will be thinking of you when I am eating some turkey.

Your pal,

Lee said...

Welcome back.

I tend to look at vomit and think "I don't remember eating carrots..."

Henry the Dog said...

Stubby - my mum would say 'too much info' - ha ha:) Happy thanksgiving too, I'm showing my ignorance here - stupid me thought it was yesterday!!

Lee - there's a rumour that there's a stash of mulshed up carrots hidden in a pouch in your stomach lining that's there from birth - apparently you're born with enough to last a lifetime:)