Dear Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws

This year, please DON’T leave me one of those awful organic fake bones like the one you left last year. They’re not real and they’re not fun. I pretended to eat it, so as not to upset you, but if you really want to know I sneaked it under the sideboard in the lounge and it’s still there (don’t tell mum).

I want a REAL bone. A real one, Santa. I’ve never had a real one. I know that mum’s old dog, Sam, had a bad experience with a real bone that ended up costing mum A LOT of money and ended up with her threatening to kill Uncle Hugh (‘cause he gave it to him), but that was a cooked bone. Uncooked ones are ok.

So, please can I have an uncooked bone for Christmas? But not one from a cow. That would upset Braja.

Also, please can I have a squeaky toy? PLEASE? I know mum HATES squeaky toys, they get on her nerves and her face ends up looking all hot and sweaty when I play with squeaky toys (hence they are now banned) but I promise only to play with it when she’s not around. Uncle Hugh’s kind of ambivalent about them.

Also, if it’s possible can I have a new harness? Or one of those butch collars like what the Rotti dog wears down the road - the type with the big studs in. Except my mum prefers me to wear a harness because I sometimes pull when I'm excited and she worries that I'll hurt my neck in a collar. I like bad smells ‘cause I’m a dog, but honestly my current harness stinks. I knew mum should have got a leather one instead of a canvas one. Mum keeps saying that she’s going to soak it in bleach, but she keeps forgetting and it now smells so bad that when we go for walks all I can smell is that stinking harness. Mum says the same thing EVERY DAY – “Pooh! Henry, it’s about time I washed this isn’t it?” It smells because mum's a cruel sadist and takes me out when it’s raining. It gets wet through and then she doesn’t ever dry it out properly, so it starts growing mould, then it starts to smell and keeps smelling. I don’t mind smelling doggy but I don’t want to smell like rotting dog. Claude the yellow Lab is starting to mock me. I’ll end up with issues.

Finally, please can you stop this thing called the Pound from falling and make this Euro thing all weak and feeble again? I’ve no idea what all that is about (I’m simply repeating what I’ve heard) but am hoping that you do. It’s mum’s latest stressy thing since the Credit Munch started. If you do that then mum will be happy, well happier anyway.

Oh, and another thing. World Peace would be nice too.

Love From Henry the Dog.

PS: I know that everyone’s seen one of those ‘Elf’ things, and that nearly everyone on this planet has been ‘Elfed’ at some point but you won’t have seen mine Henry's been Elfed – mum did it for her friends. There was going to be three of me dancing, but it ended up with only two because she said it was taking too long to upload the third. Patience is not my mum’s middle name

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

No, mum hasn’t got a camera yet. Uncle Hugh took these on his ‘phone, then it took him about six hours to work out how to get them from camera to laptop. I’m still hoping he gets mum a proper camera for Christmas. These aren't good ones of me 'cause I got extremely bored waiting for him to take them. I normally look more animated, honest.