Friday, December 26, 2008

I wish it could be Christmas every day.

I had the bestest Christmas EVER – more later (the turkey’s the clue) – I like to keep a smidgen of suspense running through my posts.

As you can tell, mum didn’t get a digital camera. “I guess I started hinting a bit too late,” she whispered to me when Uncle Hugh wasn’t listening. No, it was my fault – I planted the idea in her head too late, but she mustn’t know that. Remember, she thinks I’m just a dog. BUT, I know for definite she’s planning to buy one. So, all is not lost.

So, she didn’t get a digital camera – instead she got three books all about fungus and stuff – what you guys call mushrooms. I couldn’t believe it. I’m sat there thinking, “Uncle Hugh, you’ve really fooked up here mate…” I mean, every lady wants a book on mould don’t they? NOT!

This is where I pause to tell you that mum continues to amaze me. I’m forever learning stuff about her that I didn’t know. Instead of telling him to go and stick his fungus books up his .... and asking ‘Where’s the digital camera?’ she was DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY. WHHAAAA…..? SINCE WHEN? FUNGUS? WHY? I was gobsmacked.

At first I wondered if she were just being dead nice to Uncle Hugh when she said, “Oh Sweet Hart, you are so thoughtful. How wonderful!” But I could tell she was being genuine because she grabbed her reading glasses and started pouring over them – all excited she was. I know that strange things make mum excited – like colliding dust*, and leaves and trees and stuff like that. And flowers – she’s partial to flowers, but she’s not that bothered about those cut ones they sell in the pretty flower shop. No, she likes those rather boring ones that grow everywhere in the Spring. It’s the part of mum I don’t ‘get’. But fungus? Why? Oh well, I guess it takes all sorts doesn’t it?

Mum also got a bread-making machine – now that DID throw her. I could tell she WAS just being nice about that when she said “Ah! How lovely Sweet Hart. Mmmm. Yes. That looks – ha ha – complicated….” She gave me a sidelong grimace when Uncle Hugh wasn’t looking and whispered “...what’s wrong with the fooking bread shop down the road?”

As usual mum’s imagination knew no bounds when it came to Uncle Hugh, he got slippers, socks and a book.

As for me – well. I didn’t get a bone. I didn’t get a new harness. HOWEVER, I did get a tuggy toy that SQUEAKS – but only if you bite it a certain way – so it doesn’t squeak ALL the time. Also, mum had washed my harness and it no longer stinks.



Mum and Uncle Hugh had ordered a free-range one from the local butcher, which mum said “…cost a bloody arm and a leg. It’s ok supporting these local businesses Sweet Hart, it’s very noble but we’ll end up paupers. I could have got one for a quarter of the price at Intermarché.”

Anyway, not only was it REALLY expensive but it also turned out to be inedible. Mum said it was “…like chewing on Madonna’s bicep. Talk about ‘free range’ this little bleeder must have been running a marathon every day…” Mum and Uncle Hugh chewed and chewed and chewed. Then she said, “That’s it! I give in. This can be Henry’s breakfast and dinner for the next seven days…”


I am one VERY happy dog. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too.

*like what they were going to do in CERN, until it broke.


LadyFi said...

Oh - that is hilarious! Haven't nibbled Madonna's biceps myself, and don't eat turkey, but I guess it's like chewing leather or something!

Lucky you - getting the whole turkey. At first, I thought you meant you'd jumped up onto the kitchen counter and wolfed the lot down. But, of course, you're just too well bred for that!

Enjoy the turkey - and the squeaky toy!

Braja said...

Henry I am SO happy for you! The God Rex must have been pleased with you too, to bestow an entire turkey upon your dogginess :)

When you get the chance, you can tell your mum that those breadmakers, wow... they're far out. You just throw everything in, turn it on, bang, it's done. I'd love one. We never got one because the power here is always off and on and apparently that's no good for the breadmaking side of it, but otherwise I love them.

BTW, Lady Fi: you remember those last photos of our Henry in his Xmas hat....I do believe he was SITTING ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER :))) He may be a cultured wee pup, but he's also an opportunist, I'd reckon :)

Braja said...

btw, Henry, I think LadyFi's post is just for you:

Henry the Dog said...

Lady Fi & Braja - Braja you're so wrong about me. I AM a cultured pup and would NEVER eat stuff I'm not supposed to. So there, Braja - ha ha! Look at the photos again. You'll see that behind me are windows that look into the kitchen - it's the way the house is built. Was an old farmhouse apparently, and the kitchen was where the pigs were kept. So, the floor of the lounge is on a level with the Kitchen Counter - have another look;) I'm sure mum will be REALLY pleased to know that about the bread making machine. I could tell she was getting all stressy about it. She's not big on cooking (Uncle Hugh normally does it all). Many kisses to you both xxxxxxx

Braja said...

My apologies Henry. Though it was meant as a compliment: I like to know that a dog can get around, take care of himself, and scale heights when humans aren't around :)

Irish Gumbo said...

See Henry? Wishes DO come true! Although I suppose my cats probably don't feel that way...still no whole side of bacon for THEM.

Mushrooms? Would any of those books be by Jane Grigson? I have yet to lay my hands on her book The Mushroom Feast . And don't worry, Henry, it does seem a bit odd to get all lathered up over fungus , but humans can be that way about yummy eats.

Happy holidays!

Temple said...

What an awesome doggy Christmas! Lola had plenty of turkey, ham, and giblet gravy but not a WHOLE turkey all to herself! :)

detroit dog said...

Quasar says:

Henry, you lucky dog! I thought you'd been counter-surfing -- which I'm very good at, btw.

Mum and Dad gave me a new squeaky hedgehog for Christmas. Oh, man! It's the best. (Though I'd prefer the screeching monkey in the closet which they're afraid to give me again because it makes me get some kind of "look" in my eye, they say.)

BTW, that's quite an interesting lamp in the photo. Is there no end to the taunting of us dogs?

Merry Christmas, Henry!

Diane said...

A whole turkey! My-oh-my but you've obviously been a good dog this year (like I expected anything different!). Glad your Christmas was lovely!

LadyFi said...

Glad to hear you're a good boy, Henry! Love those old farmhouses too! Breadmaker is very convenient, although I do like kneading the dough with my own bare hands!

As Braja so rightly pointed out, I think you'd find my latest post very funny! After all, it's all about dog humour! :-)

Lee said...

You goose, Henry! I'm struggling to cope with Christmas once a year.

Perhaps you will still be chewing on that Turkey next year too.

J Cosmo Newbery said...

Henry, an articulate dog
Who runs a really great blog
Ate a whole turkey
Then felt less than perky
So lay down a slept like a log.

Simplicity said...

Oh Henry I'm so happy for you! *clap* *clap* A whole turkey!!

Tell your mum she can pack up that nasty ol' breadmaker and send it my way. In return, I'll send her a bunch of books on fungus!! :)

Looking forward to the new photos when your mum picks out her new camera.

Lee said...

Hey Cosmo, hope you don't mind, I've modified it slightly:

Henry, who knows what a hard slog
It is to run a really great blog
Ate a whole turkey
And felt less than perky
And then was sick as a dog.

Henry the Dog said...

Braja - I'd love to scale heights but my legs are too small xxxx

Irish - actually I can now understand why folk get a tad jaded with turkey over the festive period. I'm starting to crave veg. As for the fungus books - no idea, they're all in French - that's my new year's resolution - get fluent:)

Temple - to be honest I'd kill for a few giblets at the moment. Turkey's getting tedious. And mum was right - it is as tough as Madonna's bicep! Hope you had a lovely Christmas xxx

Quasar - no, I can't reach the counters - I'm much too small. You made me laugh talking about the monkey. I guess if you saw me (small and fluffy) you may get that 'look' too;)

Diane - I'm still eating the damn thing. It was almost as big as me. I think I'll be eating it next year at this rate:) Am popping over to yours next. I'm catching up with blogs today. xx

Lady Fi - I did love your blog funny, and the other one about pooping. Good doggy humour. Actually, that bread thing really surprised mum. All she had to do was put some breadmaking stuff in it, add some water and switch on. She was gobsmacked. Mum likes easy stuff:)

Lee & Cosmo - well you two are certainly brightening my blog. Love both the poems - keep leaving them, then perhaps we can keep a collection of them, call it 'Odes to Henry the Dog' and I can sell it next year to make some money for my mum:) Cosmo - I'm still eating the bloody thing, Lee's right, it'll definitely see me into the New Year:)

Simplicity - mum is now hooked on the breadmaker because all she had to do was pour some breadmaking stuff in it, add a bit of water then press the 'On' button:) Hope you had a lovely Christmas - am popping over to yours soon xxx

Blu said...

Tell your Mom my breadmaker is in the loft. We have a brilliant boulangerie down the road. Glad that you had a brilliant Christmas have fun masticating.

Stubby said...

Henry - you are my hero! A whole turket - what a windfall. I can only dream about a whole turkey, though sometimes Dad gives me a little nibble. I'm so glad you finally got a squeaky :)

Jennysmith said...

Henry, sweetie, so glad you had a good christmas. the whole turkey! My cat was lucky to get a few strands of meat. my mum always ordered her turkey from the butcher - used to cost a bloody fortune. no wonder people get them from Tescos now.

Always wanted one of them bread making machines. your mum is lucky. all the best xxx

Princess Tikka Masala said...

I am thinking that this is being a story like those peoples who are saying that they could be eating a horse. They are not really being eaters of a horse as then they would be looking like the python who has been consuming the piglet. I am thinking that you are being smaller than a turkey and that the placement of a turkey inside your goodly self would result in serious ruptures. Is this not being so?

Braja said...

I have a new four-legged friend
Whose distance drives me round the bend
He's over in France
And I won't get the chance
To pick him up and cuddle him and give him a big hug...oh :)

lady jicky said...

Well aren't you the lucky one boyfriend! No - not the bloody turkey - the darn fungus book!!!
My Mother got Cesar Millan's book called "Cesar's Way - the natural , everyday guide to understanding and correcting common dog problems"!!! I tell you, I need to talk to my therapist Lee!! Its all too much boyfriend. Oscar and I have to wait for HER to go in the door first, we have to be "calm" before we get our food and she hasn't finished the bloody thing yet and its shocking!!!
Just be glad your mum is obsessed with mushrooms and not dog behaviour!
Sulking in the background,

Henry the Dog said...

Blu - well actually, mum's kinda hooked on the bloody thing. I'll be telling you about it today. Hope you had a good one too. It's that New Year business next isn't it? Do you folk never stop?

Stubby - I only got it 'cause mum & Uncle Hugh couldn't chew the damn thing. Between you and me, I'm bloody sick of it already. More in my next post:)

Jennysmith - too right about it costing a fortune from the butcher. We don't have Tescos here but mum often wished that we did. I don't think she'll be going to the butchers for it again. As for the bread making machine - mum's kind of hooked. More later xxx

Hi Princess - hope you had a good Christmas. Nope, a whole turkey in one go would have been a big mistake. It was almost as big as me. Talk about python and piglet, more like python and cow (sorry Braja - you know I'm only talking hypothetically), which is why I'm still eating the damn thing. A breast and a leg to go and I don't think I can stand it:)

Braja - stick to prose:) Only kidding:) I love your poetry. Actually, am kind of relieved that you've left a comment. Your poem yesterday made me a bit worried that something sad had happened to you and I daren't post a comment, 'cause everyone was saying how lovely it was (which it was) and I was thinking that behind it all something tragic may have really happened. I didn't want to say anything in case folk thought me alarmist. Which of course I am from time to time. Phew. Glad to know you're ok. xxxxx

Oh Rosie - Cesar is my hero. Mum & me watch him on TV. He doesn't sort dogs out. It's owners he sorts out. So your mum got the book to sort herself out - not you. I'm sure your mom won't take it too far. She will know that us dogs do need to get excited and have fun from time to time, it's the way we are. Don't worry, it's a good thing in the long term, trust me. Kisses. Bisous xxx
MY GOD!! (Henry blushes) my veri word is 'matings' (Henry blushes again). I'm all embarrassed:)

LadyFi said...

Hi again! I've got another doggie tale for you to read... but Henry, make sure you are feeling strong, as it's not a tale for the weak or the weak of stomach...

How's your mum's fungus book coming along. And in French! Isn't she clever!

Braja said...

Henry, nothing happened. I wrote that poem years ago about the widows in is the custom to break their bangles when their husband dies, and to remove the necklace from around their neck that indicates their married status...nothing more than that. :)

Henry the Dog said...

Lady Fi - my stomach is like cast iron - am popping over to yours now. Mum's absorbed with the fungi books but she's doing bread at the mo:)

Braja - so pleased. Mum says she has a tear in her eye just thinking about it. It was truly lovely.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Way to Go Henry! I bet you will love your turkey diet! It is a pleasure to meet you..your Mum sounds great! :)

Henry the Dog said...

Far Side - as you can see from my post above, the turkey diet is going down like a lead weight:) Thanks for popping over to mine.

French Fancy said...

I'm a visitor late to the feast of festive comments, Henry. I'm playing catch-up.Good news about your turkey-fest though - delighted for you