I had the bestest Christmas EVER – more later (the turkey’s the clue) – I like to keep a smidgen of suspense running through my posts.
As you can tell, mum didn’t get a digital camera. “I guess I started hinting a bit too late,” she whispered to me when Uncle Hugh wasn’t listening. No, it was my fault – I planted the idea in her head too late, but she mustn’t know that. Remember, she thinks I’m just a dog. BUT, I know for definite she’s planning to buy one. So, all is not lost.
So, she didn’t get a digital camera – instead she got three books all about fungus and stuff – what you guys call mushrooms. I couldn’t believe it. I’m sat there thinking, “Uncle Hugh, you’ve really fooked up here mate…” I mean, every lady wants a book on mould don’t they? NOT!
This is where I pause to tell you that mum continues to amaze me. I’m forever learning stuff about her that I didn’t know. Instead of telling him to go and stick his fungus books up his .... and asking ‘Where’s the digital camera?’ she was DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY. WHHAAAA…..? SINCE WHEN? FUNGUS? WHY? I was gobsmacked.
At first I wondered if she were just being dead nice to Uncle Hugh when she said, “Oh Sweet Hart, you are so thoughtful. How wonderful!” But I could tell she was being genuine because she grabbed her reading glasses and started pouring over them – all excited she was. I know that strange things make mum excited – like colliding dust*, and leaves and trees and stuff like that. And flowers – she’s partial to flowers, but she’s not that bothered about those cut ones they sell in the pretty flower shop. No, she likes those rather boring ones that grow everywhere in the Spring. It’s the part of mum I don’t ‘get’. But fungus? Why? Oh well, I guess it takes all sorts doesn’t it?
Mum also got a bread-making machine – now that DID throw her. I could tell she WAS just being nice about that when she said “Ah! How lovely Sweet Hart. Mmmm. Yes. That looks – ha ha – complicated….” She gave me a sidelong grimace when Uncle Hugh wasn’t looking and whispered “...what’s wrong with the fooking bread shop down the road?”
As usual mum’s imagination knew no bounds when it came to Uncle Hugh, he got slippers, socks and a book.
As for me – well. I didn’t get a bone. I didn’t get a new harness. HOWEVER, I did get a tuggy toy that SQUEAKS – but only if you bite it a certain way – so it doesn’t squeak ALL the time. Also, mum had washed my harness and it no longer stinks.
Now for the BEST BIT IN THE WORLD – THIS IS THE ICING ON THE CAKE, THE CHERRY ON TOP.
I GOT THE WHOLE TURKEY! YES! THE WHOLE TURKEY!
Mum and Uncle Hugh had ordered a free-range one from the local butcher, which mum said “…cost a bloody arm and a leg. It’s ok supporting these local businesses Sweet Hart, it’s very noble but we’ll end up paupers. I could have got one for a quarter of the price at Intermarché.”
Anyway, not only was it REALLY expensive but it also turned out to be inedible. Mum said it was “…like chewing on Madonna’s bicep. Talk about ‘free range’ this little bleeder must have been running a marathon every day…” Mum and Uncle Hugh chewed and chewed and chewed. Then she said, “That’s it! I give in. This can be Henry’s breakfast and dinner for the next seven days…”
YES! YES! YES!
I am one VERY happy dog. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas too.
*like what they were going to do in CERN, until it broke.
.....I'm a Mini Schnauzer, which I reckon is the coolest breed on this planet. I've got grey hair, which isn't because I'm old -I was born in April 2005, so in case any cool, sexy lady dogs are reading this - I'm in my prime. I live in France at the moment but that may change very soon. I decided to start this blog because my mum's was having a bad time due to the Credit Munch and was ignoring my attempts to get her attention (worrying my basket, her socks, her slippers and looking very appealing with my big brown eyes). Mum lives with a guy called Hugh Bastard, at least I think that's his name. It's what she calls him from time to time, but she also calls him Sweet Hart. I call him Uncle Hugh.