Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Forbidden Question

If this post offends I’ve decided to go off and commit ‘harakiri’. The picture sums up how mum and me feel after my ‘faux pas’ yesterday. Oh well, move onwards and upwards as Uncle Hugh would say. Mum was getting all maudlin anyway. It happens every month this 'maudlin' business. It usually starts with her getting up in the morning and staring in the mirror for about five minutes. Then she’ll say, “Look at my wrinkles Henry.” Then she’ll say, “I’m fat and ugly.” Then she’ll say, “What’s it all about Henry? Why do we bother?” Then she'll start to cry. That’s when I know it’s gonna happen very soon – Uncle Hugh will ask ‘the forbidden question’.

Except it won’t happen this month (big sigh of relief) ‘cause Uncle Hugh is in the UK until the end of the week and her maudlin has already started. It usually only lasts for a couple of days, then she’s fine again. So by the time he gets back, mum will be her usual self - thank God Rex for that.

Normally when Uncle Hugh’s around and mum starts being maudlin I can feel a tension starting to form in the air between them. Us dogs are very sensitive to stuff like that – subtle changes in body language, sharp verbal digs, little huffs and puffs. And then I start to feel ‘the forbidden question’ forming insidiously in Uncle Hugh’s mind and I think “OH NO!” I sometimes wonder if he knows himself that it’s happening, or if it’s some kind of involuntary thing.

At that point I start to project really strong thoughts into the ether, hoping that his brain will pick up on them – like a radio picks up radio waves – “DON’T ASK THE QUESTION UNCLE HUGH. DON’T ASK! DON’T! DON’T!” (excuse the exclamation marks Braja) I stare into his eyes and think really hard, “DON’T ASK!” I think it so hard, it makes my head hot. But it just ends up with him saying “Why is Henry staring at me like that?”

Then I try ‘diversionary’ tactics. I try to divert his thoughts from uttering those words. I put on my best and brightest “PLAY WITH ME” face. I run frantically round and round the room with my tug toy – encouraging him to chase me. I find my tennis ball and throw that around too. I get my toys one by one and place them at his feet. I try everything in my power EVERYTHING to try and stop him from asking ‘the forbidden question’. In fact, I throw myself around so much I wear myself to a bloody frazzle and STILL it pours forth from his mouth EVERY SINGLE BLOODY MONTH WITHOUT FAIL – THE QUESTION YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER ASK MY MUM:

“Have you got PMS?”

Talk about ‘red rag to a bull’. Mum turns into a raving, shrieking banshee and all hell breaks loose. Every time. Every month. Without fail. Is the man thick? I ask. Is it another ‘Man Thing’? I’ve no idea what this PMS is but I decided to scour the Internet to try and find something that might help Uncle Hugh and give him some advice about what he should and should not do around mum at ‘maudlin’ time, and I found the video below. I still don’t know what PMS is. It’s a big puzzle to me, but the guy in the video seems to know what he’s talking about. Do you think Uncle Hugh will listen to him?


Blu said...

Please dont post any more things like that...I just laughed so much my head fell off!

LadyFi said...

Ha ha ha.. bonk! ... that's me laughing my head off!

Henry - in some cases, PMS is another way of saying PMT - which can mean: Passport, money, tickets - e.g. when travelling.

At other times, more dangerous times, it means: Petty monster transformation or in your case: Pass mum trotting... or: Pass mum speedily. PMS can also mean - Pandemicallyexplosive Mood Swings.

That means that she, just like me, should be avoided at these maudlin times.

Lilly's Life said...

That is hilarious. Mandatory viewing.

Henry, its best just to stay away from Mum when she is feeling maudlin and just be a good boy.Thats the only safety precaution I recommend. It may just save your skin, ok?

Lee said...

I'm hoping PMS isn't Primeval Mini Schnauzer. It does seem to bring out the hairy animal...

lady jicky said...

Oh boyfriend, you do not have to worry about PMS with me. I have been "done" !
To me PMS means - Partying Must Start!
Give your Mum a big kiss and a box of Godiva Chocolates . Chocolate cures everything they say.

meryl's musings said...

Dear Henry - My landlord has been scratching her head (kind of like how I scratch my ears but with less finesse) about what you might have said to offend anyone. We are the most pure and innocent creatures on this earth, here to please -- now obviously to laugh at since that is what happens every time my landlord is reading your post.

:) KC

Dumdad said...

PMS - be very scared, Henry!

Henry the Dog said...

Blu - OH NO! I hope you managed to put it back on again;)

Lady Fi - bloody nora, there are heads rolling around all over the place. I had a good snigger at your other explanations of PMT/PMS. I think it's generallyl best to leave well alone at that time of the month.

Lilly - absolutely - I think I'll simply gag Uncle Hugh in the future.

Lee - nice one;)

Lady Jicky & Rosie - that's another problem - if Uncle Hugh gave her chocolate at that time of the month she'd simply accuse him of trying to make her fat!

Meryl - if you didn't see the post yesterday then it won't make sense. Don't try - it's all sorted now - Lady Jicky & Rosie are still my pals.

Dumdad - yes, I am - especially as I am on my own with her at the mo:(

Csquaredplus3 said...

Henry, sometimes it's just hard being a girl. PMS might stand for Pretty Mum Sad... but she'll feel better. You're precious for trying to distract Uncle Hugh from asking the questions when he knows the answer. It's quite possible poor Uncle Hugh... IS thick.

Irish Gumbo said...

Oh, only I had known! The pain, the trouble I could have saved!

What's that, dear? Why am I laughing?

(hurriedly switches tabs)

Nothing, dear, just a funny dog story on the 'news of the day',ha, ha,ha....(help me, please..he---)

Hilarious! Good luck working that out, Henry!

Braja said...

Oh Henry, you are a darling thing, really...btw, can you ask your mummy to send me that post that you pulled. I absolutely will not be offended and I wanna see what you KEEP TALKING ABOUT!!
Poor Mummy...I'm glad you're there to help her get thru the maudlin moments...

French Fancy said...

So Uncle Hugh is in the UK, H.Is he doling out all the Christmas pressies mummy bought?

Poor mummy, give her an extra big kiss Henry. All us women get low from time to time. Dog kisses do help.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Henry, there are times when certain questions shouldn't be asked. Why ask if you're pretty sure you know the answer AND you run the risk of unleashing the wrath? LOL

My little Tenshi is quite sensitive to my mood changes as well. You dogs are quite inquisitive!

Parisgirl said...

Strikes me Henri that Uncle Hugh (or Oncle Huge as I'm sure his name is pronounced by the French) is either stupid or likes living dangerously. I don't quite know how to break this to you both, but one day when the PMT has stopped, you will discover there are much, much worse things to come. x

Henry the Dog said...

CSquared - I think you're right. I'm keeping a low profile at the moment. When Uncle Hugh gets back and she has some of that grape juice that they drink together, I reckon things will get back to normal:)

Irish - it's good to have another man hanging around my blog, have you noticed I'm generally surrounded by women? Imagine if they were all maudlin at the same time, it'd be bloody horrific.

Braja - I deleted it, but you can find it on YouTube - just search 'Whistling Puppy'. I think it's a little Golden Retriever or Lab type. I found it 'cause mum needed cheering up and I thought it would make her smile. With hindsight........;)

FFancy - yup, you got it. He's doing family stuff and a few business things and mum's really glad that she's here and not there. But I think she misses him. She likes her own company, but she does miss Uncle Hugh's, I know because she never stops talking to me when he's not around - I've even pretended that I've been asleep a few times today - she never shuts up;)

Kathryn - perhaps this asking when they know the answer is another 'Man Thing'. Also, you're right - us dogs are uber sensitive to folks' emotions, which is why we're such good company. Say hello to Tenshi for me.

Henry the Dog said...

Parisgirl - I must have been posting at the same time as you. Oh no, DON'T say that. There can't be worse than maudlin:( I just might leave home;)

detroit dog said...

Oh, Henry, the stories I could tell....

Chocolate-covered salted pretzels help, as do vinegar and salt potato chips. And chocolate.

This video is hilarious. I'm sending the URL to some girlfriends!

Henry the Dog said...

Detroit dog - I don't know about mum, but they'd definitely help me. My mouth is drooling at the thought of them. Except I'm strictly not allowed chocolate or salt. It's a real bummer sometimes.

Diane said...

My ex was much like your Uncle Hugh. When he would ask, I would simply turn my head 'round (much like Linda Blair in the Exorcist), eyes red, fangs out, and say (in a very deep, scary voice, "YES." That was all it took. He was a jerk, but a smart jerk.

Funny aside... when my little girl was a toddler and would get cranky, I would say she had PNS (Pre-nap Syndrome ;)

Jane! said...

Ah, Henry. If only we could clone that brain of yours and transplant it into every human man. I sincerely think that might be the answer to achieving world peace.
I'd marry you if I weren't already encumbered.

herhimnbryn said...

Henry, you make such good observations. Your Mum is lucky to have you around!

lady jicky said...

Oh yes boyfriend , I forgot about the "you only bought me That( a lovley juicey box of chocolates) to make me FAT!"
Oh well, just tell Uncle Hugh it does not get better when Menopause hits! Keep clear of the Hot Flushes!

Henry the Dog said...

Diane (Henry laughing) that's a good one - yeah Uncle Hugh's a jerk sometimes but I guess it was wrong of me to class him as thick, it's the last thing he is to be fair. I think he's simply very naughty sometimes:) PNS - now that IS funny.

Jane - how can I possibly disagree with that? xxx

Herhimnbryn - I think so too. I honestly don't know how she'd get by sometimes - she's also a tad dizzy and VERY gullible. She definitely needs a guy dog like me.

Rosie - Menopause???? I don't know what it is but it sounds ominous. Is that something else I have to start worrying about????;)

lady jicky said...

You do not have to worry but your Mum has to - buy her a fan for Christmas when it "hits".
Just a sneeky handy hint boyfriend.
Rosie - wrapping her gifts tonight. Busy, busy .

French Fancy said...

Henry - how is mum doing without Uncle Hugh? I hope she's not feeling low.

Henry the Dog said...

FFancy - you are sweet thinking of mum. I was JUST about to switch off the computer when I saw your message. Mum & me have just got in from shopping & were checking our emails. Surprisingly mum is fine, she's only cried once today -which is about normal for her:D (Mum cries at the drop of a hat) Perhaps she's better off without him at this maudlin time;) Actually, he should be back tomorrow night if all goes well. G'nite & sleep tight xx

shewritesyouwrite said...

hihi... you're a smart dog! :o)