Mum wants to be a WAG

My mum told Uncle Hugh that she wants to be a WAG. She was reading the newspapers online again on Monday and read an article about a guy called Wayne Rooney, who kicks balls around for a living and his wife called Coleen, who’s glad that he does. It’s here if you want to have a read: Wayne & Coleen's cash.

For those who don’t know, and from what I’ve seen in the press, a WAG is someone who is dating, engaged or married to someone who kicks footballs around for a living and who also i) has orange skin, ii) has an IQ of 25 or under, iii) has the ability to spend oodles of other folks’ money, iv) has a shopping addiction, v) has big boobies or is very skinny or both, and vi) can turn a blind eye to boyfriend’s/hubby’s frequent indiscretions. Being blonde also helps but isn’t mandatory.

Mum wants to be a WAG because she says it would be the end of her money problems, but having seen and heard this Wayne Rooney bloke, I reckon it would be the beginning of her emotional ones. He’s certainly not anywhere near as handsome as Uncle Hugh, and he’s thick (I can say that ‘cause I’m a dog). I don’t think he’d keep my mum entertained for long, and I don’t think she’d like to share her basket with him. Also, mum doesn’t fit the WAG criteria, other than she’s blonde.

Mum says that WAG Coleen gets paid loads of money, more than £10 each month, for doing virtually nothing. Some folk don’t get that much for working for a whole YEAR. Apparently, she gets this money from a magazine called ‘OK’ and all she does is write something that’s not funny or interesting and she does it four times a month. Imagine being paid more than £10 a month for doing that? That sounds dead easy to me. I could do that. I’m thinking of contacting this ‘OK’ magazine and telling them that I can do it for less money – I’d do it for about £9 a month. AND I’d write about something interesting. AND I think it’d be funny having a dog do a column for ‘OK’ magazine. True, I don’t know much about ladies frocks or handbags or anything, but I’m a quick learner. Then I could make sure that my mum lived happily ever after, with no more money worries.

WAG Coleen also got paid more than £10 for writing a book about her life. It can’t be a very big book ‘cause she’s only a pup, so it can’t be more than 10 pages. I ask you, what could she write a whole book about? “Once upon a time I was born, then I went to school, then when I left school I got a job in a Supermarket, then I met a boy called Wayne who kicked balls around for a living, then I made my own perfume and exercise DVD, then we got married.” I could do that. I could write my autobiography. It might not be as long as hers but it’d be more interesting.

I don’t want mum to be a WAG because I want her to stay with Uncle Hugh. I wouldn’t want Wayne Rooney as my Uncle. He’d probably keep all the Haribo Jellies to himself, he wouldn’t give me ‘fingers of fun’, AND I think football is for sissies.

So, I think it’s time I came up with a plan to make some money for my mum.

Any ideas????