Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mum wants to be a WAG

My mum told Uncle Hugh that she wants to be a WAG. She was reading the newspapers online again on Monday and read an article about a guy called Wayne Rooney, who kicks balls around for a living and his wife called Coleen, who’s glad that he does. It’s here if you want to have a read: Wayne & Coleen's cash.

For those who don’t know, and from what I’ve seen in the press, a WAG is someone who is dating, engaged or married to someone who kicks footballs around for a living and who also i) has orange skin, ii) has an IQ of 25 or under, iii) has the ability to spend oodles of other folks’ money, iv) has a shopping addiction, v) has big boobies or is very skinny or both, and vi) can turn a blind eye to boyfriend’s/hubby’s frequent indiscretions. Being blonde also helps but isn’t mandatory.

Mum wants to be a WAG because she says it would be the end of her money problems, but having seen and heard this Wayne Rooney bloke, I reckon it would be the beginning of her emotional ones. He’s certainly not anywhere near as handsome as Uncle Hugh, and he’s thick (I can say that ‘cause I’m a dog). I don’t think he’d keep my mum entertained for long, and I don’t think she’d like to share her basket with him. Also, mum doesn’t fit the WAG criteria, other than she’s blonde.

Mum says that WAG Coleen gets paid loads of money, more than £10 each month, for doing virtually nothing. Some folk don’t get that much for working for a whole YEAR. Apparently, she gets this money from a magazine called ‘OK’ and all she does is write something that’s not funny or interesting and she does it four times a month. Imagine being paid more than £10 a month for doing that? That sounds dead easy to me. I could do that. I’m thinking of contacting this ‘OK’ magazine and telling them that I can do it for less money – I’d do it for about £9 a month. AND I’d write about something interesting. AND I think it’d be funny having a dog do a column for ‘OK’ magazine. True, I don’t know much about ladies frocks or handbags or anything, but I’m a quick learner. Then I could make sure that my mum lived happily ever after, with no more money worries.

WAG Coleen also got paid more than £10 for writing a book about her life. It can’t be a very big book ‘cause she’s only a pup, so it can’t be more than 10 pages. I ask you, what could she write a whole book about? “Once upon a time I was born, then I went to school, then when I left school I got a job in a Supermarket, then I met a boy called Wayne who kicked balls around for a living, then I made my own perfume and exercise DVD, then we got married.” I could do that. I could write my autobiography. It might not be as long as hers but it’d be more interesting.

I don’t want mum to be a WAG because I want her to stay with Uncle Hugh. I wouldn’t want Wayne Rooney as my Uncle. He’d probably keep all the Haribo Jellies to himself, he wouldn’t give me ‘fingers of fun’, AND I think football is for sissies.

So, I think it’s time I came up with a plan to make some money for my mum.

Any ideas????


lady jicky said...

Henry I will be your WAG boyfriend and what we make we split fifty fifty , OK. My Mum fancies being one too but - she "hasn't got the stuff" either. On the other hand, I do! Now , you have to start chasing balls and kicking them - that is not a biggie and I can write tons about all sorts of crap!
So - when "OK" comes a knocking - its "showtime" boyfriend!
We need some cutie nicnames but. You know Posh and Becks , that sort of thing.
You on for it?
Kisses, Rosie

French Fancy said...

I think you'll just have to write a book, Henry. I've got no time for WAGS or footballers and I'm lucky in that Mr FF does not care a jot for football or rugby or anything that involves him saying 'I have to watch...'.

Henry the Dog said...

Rosie - lots of laughs. Wish I could come up with a smart nickname for us too. I'll have a think about that one:)

FF - my mum is lucky with Uncle Hugh too. He's not a football fan either but they're both quite keen on Rugby Union - not to the point that they HAVE to watch it though. I can't see the appeal - chasing balls around has never done it for me, and I'm a dog!

Lee said...

I would have though a friendly little dog would be right at home with a WAG or two. Or have I got the wrong end of the wag? Probably.

Neutral on the new colour. All I ask is that you don't choose one of those incredibly ornate templates that make it hard to read the writing through all the 'stuff'. Oh, and if you put music on you blog I'll write to Hugh and tell him to never ever give you any more Haribo Jellies.

Robert said...

I asked Blaze's opinion on a money spinning idea for canines. He's only 5 months old and still squats to pee, so his outlook is somewhat immature. Nevertheless, I quite liked his idea, although when I was younger and tried this in the human world, I got absolutely NO money and I got myself into lots of trouble too!

It's called "being a stud". I think that this could be quite an enjoyable occupation for a dog, although you don't get to choose who you stud duty (couldn't think of a better way to put that) with. If you're in good shape and have respectable parents, I am told that you can earn a sizeable sum. Blaze tell me that he is looking forward to being a stud, and as soon as he's old enough, he's going to practise his tecnique on all the availble lady dogs around here.

I'm still thinking about that last bit...

Btw, Blaze likes the green background - it reminds him of his fav place to pee!

Lulu LaBonne said...

Henry - become a 'page three' dog. Sometimes you have to wear a silly hat though and that might be humiliating.

SSQuo said...

hey Henry, can you sing? Did you see the movie Alvin and the Chipmunks? If you have some buddies (pups or children) that can get together and practice, I think you can be one hot rock star!

CSquaredplus3 said...

I think I might like to be a WAG too. Your Mum isn't a bad person for thinking such thoughts. Perhaps you could audition for some show - like Eddie in Frasier - and bring in some extra money. Your Mum could photograph you for a calendar. Thinking, thinking, thinking...

~Marie~ said...

Henry, what a wonderful blog. I wish I knew how to help.

I have a miniature schnauzer who is about your age. His name is Peanut. And I must say Henry, you are quite handome.

Have a great day!!

Henry the Dog said...

Lee - I promise NO music and nothing too ornate - honest. Wouldn't want to drive you away.

Robert - thanks for dropping by and what a brilliant idea - trouble is, my mum's really possessive and doesn't want me to have any girlfriends:( She always says to Uncle Hugh "What he doesn't know, he doesn't miss" and I often wonder what she means. Tell Blaze he'll be cocking his leg in a few months:)

Lulu - yeah, I can pose when I put my mind to it. As for silly hats - mum's threatening to put me in one on Christmas Day, take a photo and post it on this site. Over my dead body!

SSQuo - I've never tried. Perhaps I'll give that one a go - good idea, except pups and kids are out. I'm not too keen.

CSquared - a calendar is a really good idea. Except that mum takes crap photos and she'd probably make me wear daft clothes.

Marie - I've just been to check out Peanut and he's cool. I just LOVE his name, it made mum smile. Thanks for popping over.

~Marie~ said...

Hi Henry. Peanut is the same kind of Schnauzer as you. The only difference with the ears is that they are cropped as puppies to make the ears stick up.

Pat said...

Just stumble across your site. I love Henry. I use to own two minature schnauzers, which I dearly loved , they are the best dogs in the world. I lost both of mine last year to cancer, they were 10 years old. I almost died with them from grief. If you don't mine I would like to keep up with Henry? Take Care, pat

Henry the Dog said...

Marie - gosh! Excuse my naivety. I really didn't know that. I simply thought it was a different variety of Schnauzer.

Pat - I love new visitors. My mum says that she is really sorry for your loss and doesn't know how you managed to cope with losing two like that. Mum doesn't even allow herself to THINK about losing me. Mum's lost lots of folk and animals close to her and always wonders how she's going to cope, but she somehow manages. Please hang around as often as you want. Mum says that at Christmas she's going to have a go at taking more photos of me and then I'll put them on my site xx

LadyFi said...

Making money schemes? Why not set up as a doggie walker and walk those dogs that don't get walked?

Or how about starting your own line of doggie bones made out of peanut butter and stuff... I think the French would go for that!

Henry the Dog said...

Lady Fi - what good ideas - the doggie bones especially. Actually, I think the French would buy them for their own consumption as opposed to their dogs - they seem to like weird stuff and trying different things. They even eat snails - bet you didn't know that;)