Mum, detox and Dirty Dancing

Uncle Hugh’s back and I’m so relieved. Whilst he’s been away, mum has been talking to me all day and I can’t always understand what she says because she uses big words. AND she watched that Dirty Dancing DVD about one million times and every time she watches it SHE CRIES. I used to think that it was the law for women to watch Dirty Dancing, Ghost or Moulin Rouge when their men were away until I spoke to Claude – the fat yellow Labrador down the road - and he said that it wasn’t the law at all, which REALLY surprised me.

Just a digression about Claude. He can speak English because his mum’s English. Claude has had quite a few mums and dads because he’s got this problem with house training and can’t grasp that humans want dogs to poo outside and not in the kitchen. So he tends to upset folk. Claude’s very thick, but then again he’s a Labrador.

Right – back to mum. Why does she watch Dirty Dancing if it upsets her? I don’t get it. Also, whenever Uncle Hugh’s away she does this ‘detox’ thing. She says that men make women fat. I reckon that stuffing your face with food all day and not doing enough exercise is what makes you fat. Mum’s not fat but she thinks she is. That’s another thing about human women. They all think they have big bums. I don’t get it. Anyway – this detox thing. It means that she drinks a bit of warm water and lemon juice in a morning, she has a small portion of fruit at lunchtime then she has soup in the evening. In the meantime, she walks me for an hour and then she puts this "exercise" DVD on and jumps up and down for about an hour and gets all sweaty then she looks really miserable for the rest of the day. NO WONDER! That’s why I’m always happy when Uncle Hugh comes back from the UK.

Also, this time she was going on about getting old and she kept saying to me “Look at my wrinkles, Henry” so I did as I was told, because I’m a good dog, and I looked and looked at her wrinkles, but nothing happened. Nothing! I wonder why she wanted me to look at her wrinkles? In the end she told me off, she said, “Stop staring at me”. I can’t do anything right! I think she’s got PMS.