Official - the people of Rotherham are Revolting

There’s a guy in the UK with a big fat tongue who cooks things and lisps, and he’s famous for it. I think he’s called Jamie Oliver. Anyway, this Jamie bloke has really upset some folk in a place called Rotherham in the North of England. Apparently they're up in arms about it and a revolt is taking place. I think Rotherham is where all the very VERY fat people, the teenage mums, the benefit cheats and the binge drinkers of the UK live – I think they’ve been put there because nobody else wants them in their town and I think they live on donner kebabs and strong cider. I think you might also be put there as punishment if you do something bad – I would imagine that for those sentenced to Rotherham, the re-offending rate is really low.

Anyway, I’m digressing. I heard mum speaking to Uncle Hugh and she said that this Jamie Oliver bloke has upset the people of Rotherham because he made out that they were all numpties who can’t cook. Mum once had to live in Rotherham because she was born there (that’s a BIG, BIG secret and she’d kill me if she knows I’ve told you) and she says it’s true. Mum says there 250,000 folk living in Rotherham with only 249,000 brain cells between them. Mum says that the centre of Rotherham is full of swamp life, kebab houses, pubs and betting shops and that the place should be condemned.

I don’t think I’d like to live in Rotherham if it’s full of teenage mums, benefit cheats and binge drinkers. I don’t like teenage mums because i) I don’t like teenagers – who does? and ii) I don’t like children - they make me growl. I don’t know any benefit cheats so I can’t comment on those, but I think they might be naughty. As for binge drinkers, I don’t particularly want to meet one because really drunk folk tend to tread on little dogs, but I don’t mind vomit – us dogs are quite keen on that, saying that I’m still glad that mum doesn’t live in Rotherham anymore.